In the Cave: My Life This Past Year

My Momma used to call my times of being quiet and withdrawn, 'cave mode.'

There was no dark, damp place I would venture off to (not even in my mind, as some people might do,) but simply a retreat from the normal interactions of daily life. The going out to the grocery store or taking walks on the greenway; or even talking on the phone with her, which we did on a daily and/or weekly basis. Just silence. And that bothered her, but she said she understood and loved me through it. That's what Moms do.

I've been in 'cave mode' since November 2015. Let me explain.

Momma and I have always been close, even during my 'rebellious' times...which were short-lived because by the time they rolled around I was an adult, but still had some steam to blow off. Plus, I'd been raised well enough that I knew better. So from age 21 to 22, I had a 'funky attitude' and I told my parents to 'deal with it' when I wanted my own way. I said WHAAAT?! Back in the day I would have been whooped. But as a young woman in my early twenties, I was being disrespectful, and I knew it. It bruised Momma's heart, but I apologized after I'd learned my lesson, and we healed together and got on with life when I realized what was really important. 

Momma had a health crisis in 2005 and was sick for 10 years. Loads of issues, but mainly her lungs. She was on oxygen 24/7. Thirty-three years of smoking inflicted tremendous damage on one of her body's most vital assets. Hospital visits too many to count added SkyMiles to my Delta account, but I wouldn't have been anywhere else. At the end of September last year, her pulmonologist gave us the news. There was nothing more they could do for her. Her lungs were too weak, and he was sending her home on hospice. So I immediately booked a one-way flight & hopped on a plane. No idea how much time she had, but I wasn't going to miss any of it. Of course, its my Momma. 

I've been rolling all of these thoughts around in my head for the past 12 months. Allowing myself to marinate on them, giving my heart permission to grieve wide open, feeling the hot tears roll down my face, my body convulse with sob after sob. Hospice. Just THAT thought, all by itself.

And this was just the beginning....there's so much more to the story. 

I arrived the same day I booked my flight. Momma was still in the hospital. It was Friday, October 2, 2015. Dad and I had talked via phone during the day and he PROMISED me that he'd wait to tell Momma her prognosis until my brother and I had arrived to the hospital. When I arrived, I learned he had broken that promise and told her on his own. The anger burned in me (Dad and I had other issues as well, so this only added to the building inferno.) My only focus was Momma. 

I stayed at the hospital with Momma both nights before she was released on Sunday afternoon to go home. She was somber, but tempered with hope because she was receiving info from various people who said other patients had been released from Hospice and lived long, happy lives. So we remained as positive and faithFILLED as we could under the circumstances. Momma was just glad to be home. 

We had no idea that just 13 days later she would enter into the arms of Jesus. 

I was grateful for those 13 days. The first 9 were extremely difficult (beyond anything I'd ever seen or experienced) but Momma was slowly improving, getting stronger. . 

She was up and around and visiting with everyone. 

My brother was home, so we enjoyed family dinners, just the 4 of us, which was the first time since possibly high school.

I soaked up Momma-Daughter talks on the couch. With no knowledge of time, I poured out my love to her and my thankfulness for always having her in my corner (even when she didn't always agree with my decisions,) and for growing up with a Momma who exuded love and kindness (and expected it equally from me.) I apologized to her, again, for the many times I was a brat. I asked forgiveness for hurting her heart and fracturing our relationship. Even as she drifted into the cloistered silence of her own mind, I sat stroking her hand, her arm, her cheek ministering love and comfort to her just as she did so many times when I was a child. It was all such a surreal time. It almost felt as if I was having an out of body experience.

Having been her primary caregiver, my senses were on high alert those final days. I would have moments of emotion, however I knew I had to keep it together for Momma. There were responsibilities needing my full attention. Even through planning her services, I pushed my emotions down...The focus was Momma, not me. I told myself that my time to grieve in the Cave would come later. 

Random thought....

Where do you do your best thinking? Mine is in the shower. I desperately try to record in my mind those nuggets of wisdom, action plans and searches of the soul but I'm not always successful. Today however, was different.

I asked myself....Why do you go into 'cave mode?' 

One would have thought I had asked myself that question or had an understanding long ago, but I never gave it much credence. It was simply part of who I was. I realized today that I go into 'cave mode' when I'm overwhelmed, mentally, emotionally, physically, probably even spiritually. When I'm feeling vulnerable, I descend into the Cave. When I'm sad or lonely, into the Cave I go. When I've had a great deal of activity or responsibility on my plate, I retreat into the Cave. Its a place of safety, peace and quiet. There's no need to justify or explain within the Cave. No questions. No judgement. I can be authentically me in the Cave. . 

I am silent in the Cave, for the most part. I make little to no effort to reach out to anyone, even family. THAT unnerved Momma. Often. Having said that, I savored calls, texts or emails from friends or family members reaching out to check on me. I was desperate for space yet my soul cried out for connection. It was the strangest dichotomy. 

Growing up, the Cave was not my permanent residence, although it was a vacation home. My current stint is the longest I've ever occupied the Cave. It began in November 2015 when I returned to Charlotte after Momma passed. I am uncertain as to when I'll finally emerge.

Just as I was beginning to process Momma being gone, and dealing with the strain of a relationship with my Dad, I received a call early on a Saturday morning on January 9, 2016. Dad was found outside his RV in the park where he was staying in Florida. He'd had a massive heart attack. He was gone. To say that I was stunned was an understatement. 

I spent the next few days talking with Sheriff's deputies, County Coroners and the funeral home. Once again, I took the lead on arrangements and administrating details....because that's just what I do. Defense mechanism? Maybe. It helped keep me occupied so I didn't go crazy. And that was a plus. 

I've officially now hit FULL TILT but I cannot hide away in the Cave because my family needs me, at least at the moment. Thankfully our funeral home (they've become quite familiar with us, unfortunately) took care of everything and eased my mind, so we did not have to worry about anything until the memorial in April. 

I took the lead on my Dad's estate although my brother and Uncle are also executors, which is a tremendous help. Gratefully, I can accomplish many tasks from inside the Cave. 

In June I was fortunate to take a much needed vacation (first adult vacay EVER! Yes. Seriously.) to rest and find some healing for my spirit...in a beautiful paradise resort in Antigua. 

Upon my return to the States, I was greeted with a call from 2 members of the board of directors where I was employed stating that I was being let go due to 'budget cuts.' 

WELCOME HOME!!

Well then. Hello Cave. The safety of the world in which I live is in question right now. I've lost both my parents. My job. My childhood home is about to be sold. So I'm going to just cloister myself for awhile. 

My life's foundation has been essentially ripped out from under me. Tomorrow is one year since Momma has been gone from my world. And yet, it still feels like it was yesterday. I can sit in a silent room, staring out the window. I zone out on television all day. Or simply stay in bed. Energy or motivation was no where to be found in me.

This book arrived in my mail, anonymously. It has been such a resource for me. A comfort, really. It has helped me understand everything that I've been thinking and feeling these past months. I read a bit and then need to put the book down as it can be heavy to process. Emotional. I have cried through it. Its good. Honestly. 

My parent's house was sold in November 2016. The son of the former VP of Student Development at my alma mater, Bethel College bought my childhood home. Although I'm sad, I'm also at peace knowing the young man who purchased Momma & Dad's house will take care of it and make it a home. I know his parents, his Uncle & Aunt and his Grandparents. (His Uncle was my pastor from elementary through adulthood.) I'm grateful for how it all worked out. Relieved that the sale of the house is complete. My house is now filled with items from their house....I want to be surrounded by them, forever. 

I generally stay in "the Cave" on a daily basis unless I absolutely HAVE to go out, whether to a meeting or the grocery store. I've restarted my job search, so re-entering the real world as a career professional is in my near future unless I find a remote position that allows me to work from home (JACKPOT!)

Life is, slowly, getting back to normal. Being without my Momma and my Dad, NOT normal. But life goes on, and I still hold on to their memory each and every day I take a breath.