Music On Rotation: Dave Brubeck

Released in 1959 on Columbia Records. Recorded at Columbia's 30th Street Studio in New York City.

Music on Rotation: Red Garland

Recorded in 1960 and released the same year on Prestige Records,
originally as part of the Moodsville series.

Music On Rotation: Art Blakey & The Jazz Messengers

Released in February 1963. It was Blakey's first album for Riverside Records after he signed with them in October 1962. The songs were recorded at the Plaza Sound Studio in New York City, on October 23-24, 1962

I know I've been posting a lot lately about grief, so I wanted to be sure I balanced it out with some of the music that has been keeping me peaceful...I'll be adding more. Make sure you check them all out on Pandora, Spotify, or Apple Music/iTunes!  

In Process: Grief - Am I Allowed?

So I'm driving to the pet store yesterday to restock the pantry for my fur babies....I inherited my parent's two cats after Momma died. Dad wasn't extremely close to them, and I just couldn't imagine leaving them when I traveled back to Charlotte at the end of October in 2015. So I bought a huge pet carrier and plunked them both inside and we made the 12 hour drive back to Charlotte. Needless to say, it was not a joy ride for them, nevertheless we made it to North Carolina and have been living happily ever after. 

So, back to my story. As I was driving to the pet store, I began thinking about this 'grieving process' in which I've been traveling through these past 20 months. And a question popped into my head: Aren't I ALLOWED to grieve? I lost BOTH of my parents (within 2 ½ months of each other), my job (5 months after my Dad died,) and having to sell my childhood home (after 41 years.) I actually felt ANGRY, for three reasons: 

1. No one has outright said I should not be grieving, or that I should be over it by now and 'back to my old self.' A few people have offered their opinion, but mostly it is a pressure coming from within me, believing people are sitting in silent judgment of my grief.
2. That I am (ME) putting pressure on myself, thinking others are in silent judgment of my grief, and that I should rush the process.
3. Why on earth am I questioning whether or not I DESERVE to grieve these losses? Or that I'm making more of it than what it is? 

BOTH MY PARENTS DIED IN LESS THAN 3 MONTHS!!! 

My brother and I have handled the deaths of our parents in VERY different ways. He is MUCH less emotional than I am, therefore he has seemingly been able to jump back into life rather quickly. He also has four children, so his life is extremely active.

Whereas I was/am unemployed, handled all of the house clean-out and arrangements with the auctioneer and trash removal, so my emotions were (and still are) wrapped up into every aspect of my parent's lives and deaths. Plus, I have always been sensitive.  

This is myself and childhood/family friend, Todd. Anytime he'd put his arm around me for a picture, I would start crying. Our parents would laugh their heads off. Not me. It was a running joke between our families for YEARS!

The sensitivity worsened when the bullying started in elementary school. It was accentuated when I was 9 years old and had to have my tonsils removed, having to stay overnight in the hospital the night before. I cried all night long. I felt abandoned. I was so afraid. It continued when I was 11 and severe thunderstorms came roaring through our small Indiana town. The tornado sirens blaring, my Dad did nothing to calm my fears. He nonchalantly walked around the house while I was grabbing my pillow and my Bible and teddy bear for comfort if we had to make a run for the crawl space. I was a literal wreck, and that incident (FEAR) stayed with me through my adult years. As did the effects of the bullying. And the abandonment. I would say that I am experiencing the sense of abandonment with the deaths of my parents. So often I wonder what happened to this happy girl.....I know she's still in there somewhere, but right now I cannot find her. 

I was never a 'SuperSoul Sunday' fan but I happened to be channel surfing one Sunday afternoon when Glennon Doyle was on with Oprah. She was talking about pain, and masking her truth because she believed no one in the world REALLY wanted to hear it. It clicked with me, so I stayed with her....

WOW.  Ding-Ding-Ding! It was as if she was speaking only to me. Yes, the world around me is messy, but so is MY world. What am I going to do about it? I am going to keep working at whatever is going on in my heart and mind. I am going to talk to someone and deal with these deep-seeded issues. WHY did I ask myself "Aren't I ALLOWED to grieve the losses in my life?" What has made me feel unworthy of that grace and mercy? Because THAT'S what it is. I've got some things to learn....

While I'm learning, I am focused on remaining in a place of vulnerability....however challenging that might be. It is going to take time. I cannot rush the process, nor can I allow fear or insecurity lead me to believe that others are pressuring me to move the process along. Its not about them. Its about wholeness. Its about healing. Its about finding life again. MY life. And my GOAL is wholehearted living. 

"Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. Its going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn't change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging." - Dr. Brené Brown, Daring Greatly (2012)

2017 HAS to be different....BEYOND 2017, a changed life. A heart that is in the process of being healed. And a mind and spirit focused on fulfilling my purpose. (That's a whole other blog post!)

Bless you 💜
Onward.

In Process: Grief - Share or Stay Silent?

I don't know about you, but I have debates in my head, (lately it seems on a daily basis) regarding what I should share, or IF I should share what is going on in my heart and mind. I don't want to come across sounding pitiful, or crazy, or pathetic, or attention-seeking, or hopeless....although, there are some days when I cannot see past the next hour or next day; numb to the world around me, I stare at a wall across the room or zone out watching cars pass by on the street below my balcony.

I'm not always in these places of....I don't even know what to call what it is that I experience....is it a wave of grief? I guess so. I think that's what it is. I hadn't experienced a wave in several months until two weeks ago, (I'm still in the midst) but when one washes over me, I am literally taken down and taken out. I am knocked off my feet and overwhelmed by the wave, so much so that I am rendered incapacitated. Its in those moments that I send out a "mayday," via social media or text to my friends and loved ones. And I remember Dr. Brené Brown's words....

 This is not easy for me. I have always been the type of person to keep things bottled up. I try to figure things out or fix them on my own. Rarely ask for help. My Dad used to tell me, "If you want something done right, do it yourself." I can very much relate to Brené in Daring Greatly when she talks about the various stages of her life that brought her to her 'spiritual awakening.' She shares in Daring Greatly (2012), "All of my stages were different suits of armor that kept me from becoming too engaged and too vulnerable. Each strategy was built on the same premise: Keep everyone at a safe distance and always have an exit strategy." THIS WAS ALL ME.

BUT......BUT.....

So, no matter how painful it might be, I must show up and be seen, bedhead, ugly cries and all.....and so can you.

Bless you 💜

In Process: Grief - There are still many days...

Momma died on October 16, 2015.
Dad died on January 9, 2016.
I was told I was losing my job on June 15, 2016.

There are still many days, even now, that its just enough for me to get out of bed....and take a shower.

Real. Talk.

In Process: Grief - Overwhelmed

When I was a kid, I had an experience riding home from my Aunt & Uncle's house. It was an odd sensation, considering I was just a kid, but I remember it like it was yesterday. And from time to time it reoccurs. One of those times was this morning.

That night, decades ago, I remember riding home after an evening with my extended family. The car windows were open. I could smell the fragrance of the fresh cut alfalfa. Tall corn stalks were rushing by the headlights on the side of the road as we headed toward home. 

I had this sensation of feeling OVERWHELMED, like I had bitten off more than I could chew...it was as if my mouth was expanding to try and accommodate what I had bitten, but there was absolutely no way possible to make it fit. I looked out my window and I became even more overwhelmed. It was the oddest situation I had ever faced in my young life. And I had no idea what brought it on.

This morning, as I was sitting on my balcony drinking coffee, that same feeling came over me. 

There was a jet flying over, and I looked up when all of a sudden out of the blue, this overwhelming wave swallowed me whole. No matter where I looked or what I thought about, I was trapped. My mouth filled with this perception of biting off more than I could chew and my world seemed humongous and smothering all at the same time. 

I had no control over it. Its not even that I CHOSE to "bite off more than I could chew." It was forced on me. I didn't ASK for the events of the last 20 months. I didn't ASK for Momma to die. I didn't ASK for Dad to stop taking his medicines and give up on life. I didn't ASK to get let go from my job. I didn't ASK to keep receiving rejection letter after rejection letter from positions which I had have applied to, for which I was qualified (and even OVER qualified). 

I am not looking for a pity party. I simply want to be honest about where I am in this process of grief. I have been listening to Dr. Brené Brown recently, speaking about vulnerability. And for so long I've believed vulnerability to be a weakness. But Dr. Brown changed my mind. She helped me to see it as my greatest strength. And here's why....

Giving voice to what is going on inside my head and my heart....I believe THAT'S half the battle. And to all of you who are (or have) experiencing grief or loss of any kind, it is OKAY to feel everything you're feeling and thinking. It is OKAY to share about it all. Find someone or a group of friends who will listen and embrace you. Find a therapy group. Find a counselor. Find an outlet, like blogging. Or art. Or fitness. Or construction. Or whatever outlet fits you. Just don't hold it in. Be vulnerable. Be you. Be free to speak your truth, completely. We love you. I love you. 💜

In Process: Grief - My Misconceptions About Hospice

After nearly 20 months since Momma died, I am grappling with the idea that I am STILL grieving, and I have no idea how long this process will take. I am assured by those around me that its ok not to know; to take one day, one step, one breath at a time. Inhale. Exhale. 

Speaking with a colleague last week, I shared that I had no idea what I was in and what I was feeling; as if the numbness, to a certain extent, has carried itself through all of these months. I never imagined that was even possible. I truly had no idea what to expect about many things, although, I had some preconceived ideas about one thing in particular that turned out not what I imagined and I am just now realizing the effects it had on me.

When Momma was given the final prognosis that there was nothing more for the doctors to do, and hospice was her choice, to spend her final days in the comfort of her own home, I expected there to be round-the-clock care by trained nursing staff. This was my understanding of hospice care. Boy was I wrong! 

http://www.hospicenet.org/html/faq.html

Hospice nurses (via our local hospice service) visit 2-3 times a week for a few hours at a time. The medical nurse visits two times a week and the bathing nurse visits once a week (as needed/requested by the family.) Then a chaplain will visit every couple of weeks, or as requested by the family. Families have the option to request volunteers to come relieve them to sit with the patient for a few hours at a time to give the family a break, but that's it. All of the other times, the family members are in charge of the care of the patient. Neither Dad nor I had any medical background, so it was like walking in the dark. In the beginning, Momma was physically unable to stand up on her own, use the bathroom, shower, take meds, etc. so most, if not all of her daily tasks were completed by Dad and I (and and my brother when he was in town, and my Aunt when she could come over after work)....lifting Momma was another story. She was literally dead weight. I wanted to cry, and I know she did too. She actually did a few times. I felt so bad for her. 

By the middle of the first week home, she began to improve greatly and was up on her own and walking around the house, and even able to cook some things. She felt so good to be independent again! She was so happy! But by the weekend, she was declining and she never recovered. There were things I had to do, like give her morphine and other comfort meds as she continued to decline.  Two nights in a row we had scares when we had to call the emergency on-call nurse in the middle of the night to come out. Her heart rate and breathing were inconsistent, and Dad and I just couldn't handle things on our own.

At night I couldn't sleep because I would be listening for any sounds she'd make. 

When she died late Friday night, October 16, 2015, and we turned off her oxygen concentrator in the house, the silence was deafening. The hospice nurse came immediately and helped put together all of the details of her death, her medications, funeral home choice, etc. They were very helpful in that way. They were very much a resource during those 2 weeks while she was home before she died, but Dad and I, my brother and my Aunt did much of the care. Most definitely not what I had imagined, although I am very much grateful for their presence throughout that time. I cannot imagine trying to do all of that on our own. It was not what I was ready for, at all. On top of trying to process the impending death of my Momma, I had to engage my mind and body in her daily care while watching her die....and it was overwhelming. Traumatic even.

I didn't sleep much those following two weeks in my parent's house before I traveled back to Charlotte. And even when I returned to Charlotte, I still didn't sleep well, even though I was exhausted. My full being was still very much in shock. And even now, 20 months later, I am realizing the TRAUMA of it all. As if peeling away layers of an onion. 

Its important to me for people to understand & be prepared for what is involved when families choose hospice care for their loved ones, and have proper support throughout the entire process. And then be gentle with themselves through healing and grieving.

Bless You 💜