Christmas Thoughts...

I've been thinking a lot about Christmas over the past month or so. Obviously, right?

It was one of the happiest times of the year.

Celebrations with family and friends.

Visiting a Christmas tree farm to find our perfect tree and have hot cocoa and cookies with Santa. Rushing home to get the tree in water and then decorating with colorful lights, Momma's hand-painted ceramic ornaments, silver garland and LOTS of tinsel.

Cruising through neighborhoods...

...'oohing and aaahing' at houses elaborately lit up for the holidays.

Driving to Grandma and Grandpa's house on Christmas Eve for dinner, games and opening up presents with cousins, Aunts and Uncles.

Listening to Nat King Cole sing The Christmas Song on the console stereo record player. Riding home anxiously at the end of the evening to go to sleep as quickly as possible before Santa arrived!

These are the memories I carry with me.

Since Momma and Dad died, I can't bring myself to travel back to Indiana for the holidays. It no doubt bothers Momma's family who all still live there. So much has changed since Momma died. She was the glue that held the family together, much like Grandma was. When Grandma died, life changed drastically. Family get-togethers were almost non-existent. It was a chore to convince everyone of the importance of being together.

Christmas the year Grandma died, we all went our separate directions. Momma & Dad decided we were going to Disney World. It was the most horrible time of the year. No joke. Its supposed to be the happiest place on earth. For me, it was literal hell. I was angry and sad and resentful that Momma and Dad decided to take us away from family, home and tradition.

The first Christmas Momma was gone, in 2015, I traveled back to Indiana. I felt compelled to be in our house (it hadn't been sold yet.)

I needed to feel near Momma. Dad had bought an RV and decided to drive to Georgia to be with my brother and his family, so I had the house to myself. It was good to be there and spend time with Momma's side of the family.

My Momma's brother and sister-in-law, Rob & Lylah.

My Aunts and Uncles had become second parents over the years, and most especially during the last several years as Momma's health declined. They were all such a source of strength and comfort to me. Still are. I love them so very much.

Myself and Uncle Pete (Momma's brother) spending some time together a week after Momma died.

But walking up the concourse to baggage claim and NOT being greeted by Momma and Dad literally broke my heart. They were always standing there, sometimes even feet from the door as I came through security, to snatch me up for hugs and kisses!

I simply cannot bear making the trip now, and knowing they won't be there to greet me. I hope someday that will change. Christmastime is just too difficult.


I was blessed to inherit my parent's two cats, Jax & Callie, so I feel in a weird sort of way I have them close to me each day. 

That is some solace at Christmas.

For the longest time I have been afraid to admit how I've felt or what I'd been thinking because I was afraid to disappoint my family. Not only in this instance, but many areas of my life. But I am learning I simply have to be honest about where I am, emotionally.  I love my family, but I'm still realizing how much I've got to move forward on my own time and in my own way. Grief still comes in waves.

I thought I was alone in this thinking...but I have this sense there are many people in the world who have (or are now) experienced these same thoughts and emotions after the loss of a loved one or parent(s). Its ok. Be gentle with yourself, through the holidays, and always.

“My Life Is Mine” - The priceless gift I received today from Tracee Ellis Ross

MY LIFE IS MINE. 
Those four words hit me like a lightning bolt this morning as I read Glamour’s piece about Tracee Ellis Ross’ speech on fulfillment at Glamour’s 2017 Women of the Year Summit.

As an award winning actress with a plethora of accomplishments to her name, unmarried with no children at age 45, Ross faced countless questions as to why this is...as if a woman’s life is not truly fulfilled until she checks those two boxes.

I am a single 43 year old, childless woman so I can empathize to a certain extent. Like Ross, I too had once thought about the prospect of finding The One and wearing a white princess ball gown wedding dress. I’d even tried some dresses on 15 years ago...found the dress that made all of the mothers and daughters ‘oooh and aaah’ as I stepped out of the dressing room. It was perfection. But I put it back on the hanger, left it in the dressing room and drove home. That was the last time I ever stepped foot in a bridal shop. And I am at peace. 

I was a late bloomer. I never dated through high school or college. I had my first kiss at age 33 (it was GLORIOUS!) I have been very prudent (not a PRUDE!) with my sexuality as well as with whom I spend time. You HAVE to be these days, in my opinion. I don’t need to be wasting my time with someone who is a negative Nancy with no self-awareness, no confidence and not living a purpose-driven life. It’s important to be mindful of the company you keep. Thankfully, I’ve never received a barrage of questions from friends or family as to why I have yet to settle down. They’ve been remarkably respectful. Furthermore, in 2008 due to medical issues, I had surgery making it impossible for me to have children. I am at peace about this situation as well.

After my parents died 24 months ago, my perspective changed. I learned how quickly life can end but how to embrace each day as if it were my last. I also learned the importance of appreciating & ploving who I am, the blessings I’ve been given, and the people who are in my life because they can be taken from you in an instant. I came into a new strength, awareness and realization that I am enough, just as I am. I also learned the importance of owning my story and speaking my truth. It has been revolutionary.

I am beyond grateful for where I am and what I’m doing. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced this kind of peace in my entire life. Everything’s not perfect, but it’s good. I spent my entire life trying to appease everyone around me because I was afraid of rejection and abandonment. These past 24 months have changed me; changed my perspective. Tracee reminded me, “MY LIFE IS MINE.” I am no longer living for others’ expectations. I am no longer settling for ‘less than’ what I truly desire for my life. “My life IS mine.” That is a profoundly empowering statement. My choices. Mine.

So thank you Tracee Ellis Ross, for the priceless gift of empowerment.

Life changing.

Outside The Box

Thomas Oppong calls it "limitless thinking" or "thinking without rules" (9 Ways To Harness Your Creativity ("Think Outside The Box" is Overrated). Whatever you want to call it, it challenges your long, established opinions. At least it did mine.

If you've followed my journey these past two years, you will know how my life has changed since the deaths of my parents...and then the loss of my job a few months later. As I write those words, it blows me away. The understatement of the century. I cannot wrap my brain around it some days. Some days it is so far from my mind. A blur is probably the best way I can describe it all. Literally.

Tomorrow, October 16th will have been TWO years since Momma died. Two years. It doesn't even make sense. And yet life has gone on around me, and I have been cloistered in my little bubble trying to figure out how to move forward. I know I HAVE to, so I do it all within the comfort and safety of my home. Safety. That's been my sole focus. If I don't go outside, then I'm safe, from pain, rejection, shame, abandonment, etc. But holy cow! How realistic is THAT?! Not at all. I had to get real with myself. Also, my bank account was a great source of reality as well. LOL

So....After several months of job searching and spending a chunk of change to have my resume and LinkedIn profile professionally rewritten, to no avail, I tried something completely different........For those of you who know me, you may be thinking, "What?! But you have an MBA! Why aren't you using your degree???" Keep reading.

I had been an Uber RIDER a handful of times over the past several months, but was apprehensive about becoming a driver. However, after a great deal of research on my part (I'm a researcher at heart!) I felt I had all of the information I needed to make the decision to become a driver. Within a few short hours on a Saturday afternoon, I was approved after submitting documentation about myself, my car and my insurance. I love driving and I love people, so WHY NOT! Plus, I choose my own hours. AND it provides me with the ability to continue writing my book. What could be better?!

This path definitely doesn't fit my original plans. My focus was entirely fixed on securing a position in local or federal government or politics, either here in Charlotte or back in Indiana. My "job history" was littered with positions I had taken simply because I needed a paycheck. After Momma and Dad died and I lost my job, I felt as if I had a new opportunity to choose exactly what I wanted to do....to no longer SETTLE for what I HAD to do, but finally do what I WANTED to do. This is just another route.

As I drive, I have found that I am able to share my story of the past two years, how God, my family & friends and my will to survive carried me through. I have had two divine connections through sharing my story which confirmed to me what a ministry this could be. I knew God had me in a rebuilding process, but He is rebuilding in his own design unknown to me. It is in no way what I envisioned in my small-boxed mind of what I thought I wanted.

Every day is a new adventure. I don't bother to try and look further than today. I have learned, through the most difficult season of my life, the power of living in the moment. Being grateful for the day that I have, showing love to my family and those with whom I come in contact. To use it in a way that blesses others...tomorrow is not guaranteed. Today is a gift.

Bless you!

Making A Connection

📷Europe Close Protection Company

You've seen those people. You may have been one, a time or two, or maybe even every time you travel. The runners. Those travelers running through the terminal trying to make their connection.

They could be off on a relaxing vacation. Or they could be on their way to an important business meeting in the hopes of landing a huge new client for their company. Nothing causes more anxiety or frustration than delays of any kind, manmade or natural, forcing us to take off in a dead sprint 0-60 in the middle of a crowded terminal to make our connection! I've been there a time or two, and not of my own making.

Once you're able to make that connection, you slump down into your seat. Maybe sweat is beading on your forehead or running down your face, you feel as if your heart is beating out of your chest and you think you'll never catch your breath. But one thing is certain, the peace that washes over you knowing you MADE IT. Everything is going to be alright. You can relax and sit back for the ride.

This morning, in that hour or so before I wake up, I had a dream like many other nights and mornings. Dreams come often to me. Some days they are mild and meaningful and I have a direct understanding of their meaning and application to my life. And other days, I literally dream Hollywood blockbuster movies; plot, activity, actors, the whole bit. Its mind-boggling!

📷InMinutes.com

I digress. Back to 'connection.' So this morning I have a dream that I am traveling, with a group of people who I knew, some from high school and some from college. I had gotten separated from them in the airport and I was trying to make our connection but I had no idea where they were. So I tried to get through the airport as fast as I could. Apparently this was a huge trip (a big deal) because when I finally connected with one of the other girls on the trip, she told me that two of the guys on the trip with us (2 boys who bullied me in school) were talking about me and making fun of me because of what I was trying to do....when I heard that, I broke down, in great big sobs. Through my sobs I said, "Why are they doing this to me? This is the first big thing I've tried since my Mom & Dad died. Where's their humanity?" I could physically feel myself sobbing while I was dreaming. It was the weirdest sensation. Then I woke up.

Here's what I think it all means.
I was separated from the others: I am meant to go on this journey of connection alone.
The first big thing I've tried: Owning my story and writing it to encourage others in their journey
The guys from grade school making fun of me: Memories/Issues of my past taunting/distracting me

I have been studying about vulnerability and connection over the last several months. So this dream is very timely. You cannot have connection without being vulnerable. And being vulnerable can be very scary, but it can also be liberating. Brené Brown encourages us to "own our story, show up and be seen." Be our true, authentic selves. If we want a wholehearted life, we must throw off the idea of "who we THINK we're supposed to be and embrace who we really are." I don't know about you, but I have been struggling with that all of my life. And I've finally said no more! I want connection and I can only have that if I am vulnerable, own my story and be who I really am. My goal: Wholeheartedness. 

We were created for connection! "Our imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we're all in this together. Imperfectly, but together." -Brené Brown 💚

In Process: Grief - The Tornado

At the end of April of this year I traveled back to Indiana to oversee the final phase of my parent's estate - the auction of the items from the house and shed. It was a bittersweet trip, thankful that the long process of bringing the physical closure on the 42 year history of a house was coming to and end, but also melancholy because this was the END of it all. Yes, the last year had been terrible and full of sadness and waves of grief, but I had a purpose through it all. I was tasked with caring for my parents, one last time. Preserving their lives, their history, their legacy; serving as the administrator over the details of their existence. It was a responsibility I did not take lightly. And it took everything within me to accomplish.

While I was 'home' I took some time to visit my bereavement counselor. She was with the hospice organization who had taken care of Momma. I had been seeing her since Momma's death. Since our first session, we clicked, and we'd spend at least two hours together when I'd visit. It was easy to talk to her. I was able to share what I was thinking and feeling without fear. I finally found a safe place to grieve and talk through my anger and every emotion that I had been experiencing.

During this particular visit I began sharing about the various issues and feelings that had been stirred up since Momma and Dad had died. As I was speaking, a visual image appeared in my mind and words began to flow from my mouth, describing exactly what I had been feeling. It was an accurate description of my current existence. It was a tornado.

I felt as if a tornado, the deaths of my parents & losing my job, had come in and torn up everything in my life. When I think of a tornado as it hits a home, it pulls up all the debris from the destroyed house and rotates it around the outside of the tornado. I felt as if the debris were the unresolved issues in my life that I had yet to deal with: vulnerability, shame, relationship with my Dad, settling for the sake of having something/someone in my life-not choosing what's best for me, fear, unrealistic expectations, among others. I felt as if I had lost my purpose. My foundation had been torn out from under me. My house was destroyed. Nothing was left.

At first it may look as if its a tragedy, the destruction of a life and all that you know. However, in my case it is not. Once I was able to step back and look at the big picture, I was able to see this was an OPPORTUNITY. It was an opportunity for a REBUILDING to take place. After attending a grief recovery group, I was able to work through some of the issues with my Dad. I still have a ways to go, but the first steps have been taken. Also, since finishing the group, I have begun tracing my family tree through Ancestry.com. I sent my DNA sample and am awaiting the results in 6-8 weeks. Branch by branch, I am REBUILDING my foundation. I simply needed eyes to see the possibilities.

One more thing......I am writing a book. Through the encouragement of a dear friend, I have begun writing my story.

To be continued....

Music On Rotation: Dave Brubeck

Released in 1959 on Columbia Records. Recorded at Columbia's 30th Street Studio in New York City.

Music on Rotation: Red Garland

Recorded in 1960 and released the same year on Prestige Records,
originally as part of the Moodsville series.

Music On Rotation: Art Blakey & The Jazz Messengers

Released in February 1963. It was Blakey's first album for Riverside Records after he signed with them in October 1962. The songs were recorded at the Plaza Sound Studio in New York City, on October 23-24, 1962

I know I've been posting a lot lately about grief, so I wanted to be sure I balanced it out with some of the music that has been keeping me peaceful...I'll be adding more. Make sure you check them all out on Pandora, Spotify, or Apple Music/iTunes!  

In Process: Grief - Am I Allowed?

So I'm driving to the pet store yesterday to restock the pantry for my fur babies....I inherited my parent's two cats after Momma died. Dad wasn't extremely close to them, and I just couldn't imagine leaving them when I traveled back to Charlotte at the end of October in 2015. So I bought a huge pet carrier and plunked them both inside and we made the 12 hour drive back to Charlotte. Needless to say, it was not a joy ride for them, nevertheless we made it to North Carolina and have been living happily ever after. 

So, back to my story. As I was driving to the pet store, I began thinking about this 'grieving process' in which I've been traveling through these past 20 months. And a question popped into my head: Aren't I ALLOWED to grieve? I lost BOTH of my parents (within 2 ½ months of each other), my job (5 months after my Dad died,) and having to sell my childhood home (after 41 years.) I actually felt ANGRY, for three reasons: 

1. No one has outright said I should not be grieving, or that I should be over it by now and 'back to my old self.' A few people have offered their opinion, but mostly it is a pressure coming from within me, believing people are sitting in silent judgment of my grief.
2. That I am (ME) putting pressure on myself, thinking others are in silent judgment of my grief, and that I should rush the process.
3. Why on earth am I questioning whether or not I DESERVE to grieve these losses? Or that I'm making more of it than what it is? 

BOTH MY PARENTS DIED IN LESS THAN 3 MONTHS!!! 

My brother and I have handled the deaths of our parents in VERY different ways. He is MUCH less emotional than I am, therefore he has seemingly been able to jump back into life rather quickly. He also has four children, so his life is extremely active.

Whereas I was/am unemployed, handled all of the house clean-out and arrangements with the auctioneer and trash removal, so my emotions were (and still are) wrapped up into every aspect of my parent's lives and deaths. Plus, I have always been sensitive.  

This is myself and childhood/family friend, Todd. Anytime he'd put his arm around me for a picture, I would start crying. Our parents would laugh their heads off. Not me. It was a running joke between our families for YEARS!

The sensitivity worsened when the bullying started in elementary school. It was accentuated when I was 9 years old and had to have my tonsils removed, having to stay overnight in the hospital the night before. I cried all night long. I felt abandoned. I was so afraid. It continued when I was 11 and severe thunderstorms came roaring through our small Indiana town. The tornado sirens blaring, my Dad did nothing to calm my fears. He nonchalantly walked around the house while I was grabbing my pillow and my Bible and teddy bear for comfort if we had to make a run for the crawl space. I was a literal wreck, and that incident (FEAR) stayed with me through my adult years. As did the effects of the bullying. And the abandonment. I would say that I am experiencing the sense of abandonment with the deaths of my parents. So often I wonder what happened to this happy girl.....I know she's still in there somewhere, but right now I cannot find her. 

I was never a 'SuperSoul Sunday' fan but I happened to be channel surfing one Sunday afternoon when Glennon Doyle was on with Oprah. She was talking about pain, and masking her truth because she believed no one in the world REALLY wanted to hear it. It clicked with me, so I stayed with her....

WOW.  Ding-Ding-Ding! It was as if she was speaking only to me. Yes, the world around me is messy, but so is MY world. What am I going to do about it? I am going to keep working at whatever is going on in my heart and mind. I am going to talk to someone and deal with these deep-seeded issues. WHY did I ask myself "Aren't I ALLOWED to grieve the losses in my life?" What has made me feel unworthy of that grace and mercy? Because THAT'S what it is. I've got some things to learn....

While I'm learning, I am focused on remaining in a place of vulnerability....however challenging that might be. It is going to take time. I cannot rush the process, nor can I allow fear or insecurity lead me to believe that others are pressuring me to move the process along. Its not about them. Its about wholeness. Its about healing. Its about finding life again. MY life. And my GOAL is wholehearted living. 

"Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. Its going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn't change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging." - Dr. Brené Brown, Daring Greatly (2012)

2017 HAS to be different....BEYOND 2017, a changed life. A heart that is in the process of being healed. And a mind and spirit focused on fulfilling my purpose. (That's a whole other blog post!)

Bless you 💜
Onward.

In Process: Grief - Share or Stay Silent?

I don't know about you, but I have debates in my head, (lately it seems on a daily basis) regarding what I should share, or IF I should share what is going on in my heart and mind. I don't want to come across sounding pitiful, or crazy, or pathetic, or attention-seeking, or hopeless....although, there are some days when I cannot see past the next hour or next day; numb to the world around me, I stare at a wall across the room or zone out watching cars pass by on the street below my balcony.

I'm not always in these places of....I don't even know what to call what it is that I experience....is it a wave of grief? I guess so. I think that's what it is. I hadn't experienced a wave in several months until two weeks ago, (I'm still in the midst) but when one washes over me, I am literally taken down and taken out. I am knocked off my feet and overwhelmed by the wave, so much so that I am rendered incapacitated. Its in those moments that I send out a "mayday," via social media or text to my friends and loved ones. And I remember Dr. Brené Brown's words....

 This is not easy for me. I have always been the type of person to keep things bottled up. I try to figure things out or fix them on my own. Rarely ask for help. My Dad used to tell me, "If you want something done right, do it yourself." I can very much relate to Brené in Daring Greatly when she talks about the various stages of her life that brought her to her 'spiritual awakening.' She shares in Daring Greatly (2012), "All of my stages were different suits of armor that kept me from becoming too engaged and too vulnerable. Each strategy was built on the same premise: Keep everyone at a safe distance and always have an exit strategy." THIS WAS ALL ME.

BUT......BUT.....

So, no matter how painful it might be, I must show up and be seen, bedhead, ugly cries and all.....and so can you.

Bless you 💜

In Process: Grief - There are still many days...

Momma died on October 16, 2015.
Dad died on January 9, 2016.
I was told I was losing my job on June 15, 2016.

There are still many days, even now, that its just enough for me to get out of bed....and take a shower.

Real. Talk.

In Process: Grief - Overwhelmed

When I was a kid, I had an experience riding home from my Aunt & Uncle's house. It was an odd sensation, considering I was just a kid, but I remember it like it was yesterday. And from time to time it reoccurs. One of those times was this morning.

That night, decades ago, I remember riding home after an evening with my extended family. The car windows were open. I could smell the fragrance of the fresh cut alfalfa. Tall corn stalks were rushing by the headlights on the side of the road as we headed toward home. 

I had this sensation of feeling OVERWHELMED, like I had bitten off more than I could chew...it was as if my mouth was expanding to try and accommodate what I had bitten, but there was absolutely no way possible to make it fit. I looked out my window and I became even more overwhelmed. It was the oddest situation I had ever faced in my young life. And I had no idea what brought it on.

This morning, as I was sitting on my balcony drinking coffee, that same feeling came over me. 

There was a jet flying over, and I looked up when all of a sudden out of the blue, this overwhelming wave swallowed me whole. No matter where I looked or what I thought about, I was trapped. My mouth filled with this perception of biting off more than I could chew and my world seemed humongous and smothering all at the same time. 

I had no control over it. Its not even that I CHOSE to "bite off more than I could chew." It was forced on me. I didn't ASK for the events of the last 20 months. I didn't ASK for Momma to die. I didn't ASK for Dad to stop taking his medicines and give up on life. I didn't ASK to get let go from my job. I didn't ASK to keep receiving rejection letter after rejection letter from positions which I had have applied to, for which I was qualified (and even OVER qualified). 

I am not looking for a pity party. I simply want to be honest about where I am in this process of grief. I have been listening to Dr. Brené Brown recently, speaking about vulnerability. And for so long I've believed vulnerability to be a weakness. But Dr. Brown changed my mind. She helped me to see it as my greatest strength. And here's why....

Giving voice to what is going on inside my head and my heart....I believe THAT'S half the battle. And to all of you who are (or have) experiencing grief or loss of any kind, it is OKAY to feel everything you're feeling and thinking. It is OKAY to share about it all. Find someone or a group of friends who will listen and embrace you. Find a therapy group. Find a counselor. Find an outlet, like blogging. Or art. Or fitness. Or construction. Or whatever outlet fits you. Just don't hold it in. Be vulnerable. Be you. Be free to speak your truth, completely. We love you. I love you. 💜

In Process: Grief - My Misconceptions About Hospice

After nearly 20 months since Momma died, I am grappling with the idea that I am STILL grieving, and I have no idea how long this process will take. I am assured by those around me that its ok not to know; to take one day, one step, one breath at a time. Inhale. Exhale. 

Speaking with a colleague last week, I shared that I had no idea what I was in and what I was feeling; as if the numbness, to a certain extent, has carried itself through all of these months. I never imagined that was even possible. I truly had no idea what to expect about many things, although, I had some preconceived ideas about one thing in particular that turned out not what I imagined and I am just now realizing the effects it had on me.

When Momma was given the final prognosis that there was nothing more for the doctors to do, and hospice was her choice, to spend her final days in the comfort of her own home, I expected there to be round-the-clock care by trained nursing staff. This was my understanding of hospice care. Boy was I wrong! 

http://www.hospicenet.org/html/faq.html

Hospice nurses (via our local hospice service) visit 2-3 times a week for a few hours at a time. The medical nurse visits two times a week and the bathing nurse visits once a week (as needed/requested by the family.) Then a chaplain will visit every couple of weeks, or as requested by the family. Families have the option to request volunteers to come relieve them to sit with the patient for a few hours at a time to give the family a break, but that's it. All of the other times, the family members are in charge of the care of the patient. Neither Dad nor I had any medical background, so it was like walking in the dark. In the beginning, Momma was physically unable to stand up on her own, use the bathroom, shower, take meds, etc. so most, if not all of her daily tasks were completed by Dad and I (and and my brother when he was in town, and my Aunt when she could come over after work)....lifting Momma was another story. She was literally dead weight. I wanted to cry, and I know she did too. She actually did a few times. I felt so bad for her. 

By the middle of the first week home, she began to improve greatly and was up on her own and walking around the house, and even able to cook some things. She felt so good to be independent again! She was so happy! But by the weekend, she was declining and she never recovered. There were things I had to do, like give her morphine and other comfort meds as she continued to decline.  Two nights in a row we had scares when we had to call the emergency on-call nurse in the middle of the night to come out. Her heart rate and breathing were inconsistent, and Dad and I just couldn't handle things on our own.

At night I couldn't sleep because I would be listening for any sounds she'd make. 

When she died late Friday night, October 16, 2015, and we turned off her oxygen concentrator in the house, the silence was deafening. The hospice nurse came immediately and helped put together all of the details of her death, her medications, funeral home choice, etc. They were very helpful in that way. They were very much a resource during those 2 weeks while she was home before she died, but Dad and I, my brother and my Aunt did much of the care. Most definitely not what I had imagined, although I am very much grateful for their presence throughout that time. I cannot imagine trying to do all of that on our own. It was not what I was ready for, at all. On top of trying to process the impending death of my Momma, I had to engage my mind and body in her daily care while watching her die....and it was overwhelming. Traumatic even.

I didn't sleep much those following two weeks in my parent's house before I traveled back to Charlotte. And even when I returned to Charlotte, I still didn't sleep well, even though I was exhausted. My full being was still very much in shock. And even now, 20 months later, I am realizing the TRAUMA of it all. As if peeling away layers of an onion. 

Its important to me for people to understand & be prepared for what is involved when families choose hospice care for their loved ones, and have proper support throughout the entire process. And then be gentle with themselves through healing and grieving.

Bless You 💜