I've been thinking a lot about Christmas over the past month or so. Obviously, right?
It was one of the happiest times of the year.
Celebrations with family and friends.
Visiting a Christmas tree farm to find our perfect tree and have hot cocoa and cookies with Santa. Rushing home to get the tree in water and then decorating with colorful lights, Momma's hand-painted ceramic ornaments, silver garland and LOTS of tinsel.
Cruising through neighborhoods...
...'oohing and aaahing' at houses elaborately lit up for the holidays.
Driving to Grandma and Grandpa's house on Christmas Eve for dinner, games and opening up presents with cousins, Aunts and Uncles.
These are the memories I carry with me.
Since Momma and Dad died, I can't bring myself to travel back to Indiana for the holidays. It no doubt bothers Momma's family who all still live there. So much has changed since Momma died. She was the glue that held the family together, much like Grandma was. When Grandma died, life changed drastically. Family get-togethers were almost non-existent. It was a chore to convince everyone of the importance of being together.
Christmas the year Grandma died, we all went our separate directions. Momma & Dad decided we were going to Disney World. It was the most horrible time of the year. No joke. Its supposed to be the happiest place on earth. For me, it was literal hell. I was angry and sad and resentful that Momma and Dad decided to take us away from family, home and tradition.
The first Christmas Momma was gone, in 2015, I traveled back to Indiana. I felt compelled to be in our house (it hadn't been sold yet.)
I needed to feel near Momma. Dad had bought an RV and decided to drive to Georgia to be with my brother and his family, so I had the house to myself. It was good to be there and spend time with Momma's side of the family.
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| My Momma's brother and sister-in-law, Rob & Lylah. |
My Aunts and Uncles had become second parents over the years, and most especially during the last several years as Momma's health declined. They were all such a source of strength and comfort to me. Still are. I love them so very much.
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| Myself and Uncle Pete (Momma's brother) spending some time together a week after Momma died. |
But walking up the concourse to baggage claim and NOT being greeted by Momma and Dad literally broke my heart. They were always standing there, sometimes even feet from the door as I came through security, to snatch me up for hugs and kisses!
I simply cannot bear making the trip now, and knowing they won't be there to greet me. I hope someday that will change. Christmastime is just too difficult.
I was blessed to inherit my parent's two cats, Jax & Callie, so I feel in a weird sort of way I have them close to me each day.
That is some solace at Christmas.
For the longest time I have been afraid to admit how I've felt or what I'd been thinking because I was afraid to disappoint my family. Not only in this instance, but many areas of my life. But I am learning I simply have to be honest about where I am, emotionally. I love my family, but I'm still realizing how much I've got to move forward on my own time and in my own way. Grief still comes in waves.
I thought I was alone in this thinking...but I have this sense there are many people in the world who have (or are now) experienced these same thoughts and emotions after the loss of a loved one or parent(s). Its ok. Be gentle with yourself, through the holidays, and always.
