Christmas Thoughts...

I've been thinking a lot about Christmas over the past month or so. Obviously, right?

It was one of the happiest times of the year.

Celebrations with family and friends.

Visiting a Christmas tree farm to find our perfect tree and have hot cocoa and cookies with Santa. Rushing home to get the tree in water and then decorating with colorful lights, Momma's hand-painted ceramic ornaments, silver garland and LOTS of tinsel.

Cruising through neighborhoods...

...'oohing and aaahing' at houses elaborately lit up for the holidays.

Driving to Grandma and Grandpa's house on Christmas Eve for dinner, games and opening up presents with cousins, Aunts and Uncles.

Listening to Nat King Cole sing The Christmas Song on the console stereo record player. Riding home anxiously at the end of the evening to go to sleep as quickly as possible before Santa arrived!

These are the memories I carry with me.

Since Momma and Dad died, I can't bring myself to travel back to Indiana for the holidays. It no doubt bothers Momma's family who all still live there. So much has changed since Momma died. She was the glue that held the family together, much like Grandma was. When Grandma died, life changed drastically. Family get-togethers were almost non-existent. It was a chore to convince everyone of the importance of being together.

Christmas the year Grandma died, we all went our separate directions. Momma & Dad decided we were going to Disney World. It was the most horrible time of the year. No joke. Its supposed to be the happiest place on earth. For me, it was literal hell. I was angry and sad and resentful that Momma and Dad decided to take us away from family, home and tradition.

The first Christmas Momma was gone, in 2015, I traveled back to Indiana. I felt compelled to be in our house (it hadn't been sold yet.)

I needed to feel near Momma. Dad had bought an RV and decided to drive to Georgia to be with my brother and his family, so I had the house to myself. It was good to be there and spend time with Momma's side of the family.

My Momma's brother and sister-in-law, Rob & Lylah.

My Aunts and Uncles had become second parents over the years, and most especially during the last several years as Momma's health declined. They were all such a source of strength and comfort to me. Still are. I love them so very much.

Myself and Uncle Pete (Momma's brother) spending some time together a week after Momma died.

But walking up the concourse to baggage claim and NOT being greeted by Momma and Dad literally broke my heart. They were always standing there, sometimes even feet from the door as I came through security, to snatch me up for hugs and kisses!

I simply cannot bear making the trip now, and knowing they won't be there to greet me. I hope someday that will change. Christmastime is just too difficult.


I was blessed to inherit my parent's two cats, Jax & Callie, so I feel in a weird sort of way I have them close to me each day. 

That is some solace at Christmas.

For the longest time I have been afraid to admit how I've felt or what I'd been thinking because I was afraid to disappoint my family. Not only in this instance, but many areas of my life. But I am learning I simply have to be honest about where I am, emotionally.  I love my family, but I'm still realizing how much I've got to move forward on my own time and in my own way. Grief still comes in waves.

I thought I was alone in this thinking...but I have this sense there are many people in the world who have (or are now) experienced these same thoughts and emotions after the loss of a loved one or parent(s). Its ok. Be gentle with yourself, through the holidays, and always.

Making A Connection

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You've seen those people. You may have been one, a time or two, or maybe even every time you travel. The runners. Those travelers running through the terminal trying to make their connection.

They could be off on a relaxing vacation. Or they could be on their way to an important business meeting in the hopes of landing a huge new client for their company. Nothing causes more anxiety or frustration than delays of any kind, manmade or natural, forcing us to take off in a dead sprint 0-60 in the middle of a crowded terminal to make our connection! I've been there a time or two, and not of my own making.

Once you're able to make that connection, you slump down into your seat. Maybe sweat is beading on your forehead or running down your face, you feel as if your heart is beating out of your chest and you think you'll never catch your breath. But one thing is certain, the peace that washes over you knowing you MADE IT. Everything is going to be alright. You can relax and sit back for the ride.

This morning, in that hour or so before I wake up, I had a dream like many other nights and mornings. Dreams come often to me. Some days they are mild and meaningful and I have a direct understanding of their meaning and application to my life. And other days, I literally dream Hollywood blockbuster movies; plot, activity, actors, the whole bit. Its mind-boggling!

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I digress. Back to 'connection.' So this morning I have a dream that I am traveling, with a group of people who I knew, some from high school and some from college. I had gotten separated from them in the airport and I was trying to make our connection but I had no idea where they were. So I tried to get through the airport as fast as I could. Apparently this was a huge trip (a big deal) because when I finally connected with one of the other girls on the trip, she told me that two of the guys on the trip with us (2 boys who bullied me in school) were talking about me and making fun of me because of what I was trying to do....when I heard that, I broke down, in great big sobs. Through my sobs I said, "Why are they doing this to me? This is the first big thing I've tried since my Mom & Dad died. Where's their humanity?" I could physically feel myself sobbing while I was dreaming. It was the weirdest sensation. Then I woke up.

Here's what I think it all means.
I was separated from the others: I am meant to go on this journey of connection alone.
The first big thing I've tried: Owning my story and writing it to encourage others in their journey
The guys from grade school making fun of me: Memories/Issues of my past taunting/distracting me

I have been studying about vulnerability and connection over the last several months. So this dream is very timely. You cannot have connection without being vulnerable. And being vulnerable can be very scary, but it can also be liberating. Brené Brown encourages us to "own our story, show up and be seen." Be our true, authentic selves. If we want a wholehearted life, we must throw off the idea of "who we THINK we're supposed to be and embrace who we really are." I don't know about you, but I have been struggling with that all of my life. And I've finally said no more! I want connection and I can only have that if I am vulnerable, own my story and be who I really am. My goal: Wholeheartedness. 

We were created for connection! "Our imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we're all in this together. Imperfectly, but together." -Brené Brown 💚

In Process: Grief - Am I Allowed?

So I'm driving to the pet store yesterday to restock the pantry for my fur babies....I inherited my parent's two cats after Momma died. Dad wasn't extremely close to them, and I just couldn't imagine leaving them when I traveled back to Charlotte at the end of October in 2015. So I bought a huge pet carrier and plunked them both inside and we made the 12 hour drive back to Charlotte. Needless to say, it was not a joy ride for them, nevertheless we made it to North Carolina and have been living happily ever after. 

So, back to my story. As I was driving to the pet store, I began thinking about this 'grieving process' in which I've been traveling through these past 20 months. And a question popped into my head: Aren't I ALLOWED to grieve? I lost BOTH of my parents (within 2 ½ months of each other), my job (5 months after my Dad died,) and having to sell my childhood home (after 41 years.) I actually felt ANGRY, for three reasons: 

1. No one has outright said I should not be grieving, or that I should be over it by now and 'back to my old self.' A few people have offered their opinion, but mostly it is a pressure coming from within me, believing people are sitting in silent judgment of my grief.
2. That I am (ME) putting pressure on myself, thinking others are in silent judgment of my grief, and that I should rush the process.
3. Why on earth am I questioning whether or not I DESERVE to grieve these losses? Or that I'm making more of it than what it is? 

BOTH MY PARENTS DIED IN LESS THAN 3 MONTHS!!! 

My brother and I have handled the deaths of our parents in VERY different ways. He is MUCH less emotional than I am, therefore he has seemingly been able to jump back into life rather quickly. He also has four children, so his life is extremely active.

Whereas I was/am unemployed, handled all of the house clean-out and arrangements with the auctioneer and trash removal, so my emotions were (and still are) wrapped up into every aspect of my parent's lives and deaths. Plus, I have always been sensitive.  

This is myself and childhood/family friend, Todd. Anytime he'd put his arm around me for a picture, I would start crying. Our parents would laugh their heads off. Not me. It was a running joke between our families for YEARS!

The sensitivity worsened when the bullying started in elementary school. It was accentuated when I was 9 years old and had to have my tonsils removed, having to stay overnight in the hospital the night before. I cried all night long. I felt abandoned. I was so afraid. It continued when I was 11 and severe thunderstorms came roaring through our small Indiana town. The tornado sirens blaring, my Dad did nothing to calm my fears. He nonchalantly walked around the house while I was grabbing my pillow and my Bible and teddy bear for comfort if we had to make a run for the crawl space. I was a literal wreck, and that incident (FEAR) stayed with me through my adult years. As did the effects of the bullying. And the abandonment. I would say that I am experiencing the sense of abandonment with the deaths of my parents. So often I wonder what happened to this happy girl.....I know she's still in there somewhere, but right now I cannot find her. 

I was never a 'SuperSoul Sunday' fan but I happened to be channel surfing one Sunday afternoon when Glennon Doyle was on with Oprah. She was talking about pain, and masking her truth because she believed no one in the world REALLY wanted to hear it. It clicked with me, so I stayed with her....

WOW.  Ding-Ding-Ding! It was as if she was speaking only to me. Yes, the world around me is messy, but so is MY world. What am I going to do about it? I am going to keep working at whatever is going on in my heart and mind. I am going to talk to someone and deal with these deep-seeded issues. WHY did I ask myself "Aren't I ALLOWED to grieve the losses in my life?" What has made me feel unworthy of that grace and mercy? Because THAT'S what it is. I've got some things to learn....

While I'm learning, I am focused on remaining in a place of vulnerability....however challenging that might be. It is going to take time. I cannot rush the process, nor can I allow fear or insecurity lead me to believe that others are pressuring me to move the process along. Its not about them. Its about wholeness. Its about healing. Its about finding life again. MY life. And my GOAL is wholehearted living. 

"Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. Its going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn't change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging." - Dr. Brené Brown, Daring Greatly (2012)

2017 HAS to be different....BEYOND 2017, a changed life. A heart that is in the process of being healed. And a mind and spirit focused on fulfilling my purpose. (That's a whole other blog post!)

Bless you 💜
Onward.

In Process: Grief - Share or Stay Silent?

I don't know about you, but I have debates in my head, (lately it seems on a daily basis) regarding what I should share, or IF I should share what is going on in my heart and mind. I don't want to come across sounding pitiful, or crazy, or pathetic, or attention-seeking, or hopeless....although, there are some days when I cannot see past the next hour or next day; numb to the world around me, I stare at a wall across the room or zone out watching cars pass by on the street below my balcony.

I'm not always in these places of....I don't even know what to call what it is that I experience....is it a wave of grief? I guess so. I think that's what it is. I hadn't experienced a wave in several months until two weeks ago, (I'm still in the midst) but when one washes over me, I am literally taken down and taken out. I am knocked off my feet and overwhelmed by the wave, so much so that I am rendered incapacitated. Its in those moments that I send out a "mayday," via social media or text to my friends and loved ones. And I remember Dr. Brené Brown's words....

 This is not easy for me. I have always been the type of person to keep things bottled up. I try to figure things out or fix them on my own. Rarely ask for help. My Dad used to tell me, "If you want something done right, do it yourself." I can very much relate to Brené in Daring Greatly when she talks about the various stages of her life that brought her to her 'spiritual awakening.' She shares in Daring Greatly (2012), "All of my stages were different suits of armor that kept me from becoming too engaged and too vulnerable. Each strategy was built on the same premise: Keep everyone at a safe distance and always have an exit strategy." THIS WAS ALL ME.

BUT......BUT.....

So, no matter how painful it might be, I must show up and be seen, bedhead, ugly cries and all.....and so can you.

Bless you 💜

In Process: Grief - There are still many days...

Momma died on October 16, 2015.
Dad died on January 9, 2016.
I was told I was losing my job on June 15, 2016.

There are still many days, even now, that its just enough for me to get out of bed....and take a shower.

Real. Talk.

In Process: Grief - Overwhelmed

When I was a kid, I had an experience riding home from my Aunt & Uncle's house. It was an odd sensation, considering I was just a kid, but I remember it like it was yesterday. And from time to time it reoccurs. One of those times was this morning.

That night, decades ago, I remember riding home after an evening with my extended family. The car windows were open. I could smell the fragrance of the fresh cut alfalfa. Tall corn stalks were rushing by the headlights on the side of the road as we headed toward home. 

I had this sensation of feeling OVERWHELMED, like I had bitten off more than I could chew...it was as if my mouth was expanding to try and accommodate what I had bitten, but there was absolutely no way possible to make it fit. I looked out my window and I became even more overwhelmed. It was the oddest situation I had ever faced in my young life. And I had no idea what brought it on.

This morning, as I was sitting on my balcony drinking coffee, that same feeling came over me. 

There was a jet flying over, and I looked up when all of a sudden out of the blue, this overwhelming wave swallowed me whole. No matter where I looked or what I thought about, I was trapped. My mouth filled with this perception of biting off more than I could chew and my world seemed humongous and smothering all at the same time. 

I had no control over it. Its not even that I CHOSE to "bite off more than I could chew." It was forced on me. I didn't ASK for the events of the last 20 months. I didn't ASK for Momma to die. I didn't ASK for Dad to stop taking his medicines and give up on life. I didn't ASK to get let go from my job. I didn't ASK to keep receiving rejection letter after rejection letter from positions which I had have applied to, for which I was qualified (and even OVER qualified). 

I am not looking for a pity party. I simply want to be honest about where I am in this process of grief. I have been listening to Dr. Brené Brown recently, speaking about vulnerability. And for so long I've believed vulnerability to be a weakness. But Dr. Brown changed my mind. She helped me to see it as my greatest strength. And here's why....

Giving voice to what is going on inside my head and my heart....I believe THAT'S half the battle. And to all of you who are (or have) experiencing grief or loss of any kind, it is OKAY to feel everything you're feeling and thinking. It is OKAY to share about it all. Find someone or a group of friends who will listen and embrace you. Find a therapy group. Find a counselor. Find an outlet, like blogging. Or art. Or fitness. Or construction. Or whatever outlet fits you. Just don't hold it in. Be vulnerable. Be you. Be free to speak your truth, completely. We love you. I love you. 💜