Christmas Thoughts...

I've been thinking a lot about Christmas over the past month or so. Obviously, right?

It was one of the happiest times of the year.

Celebrations with family and friends.

Visiting a Christmas tree farm to find our perfect tree and have hot cocoa and cookies with Santa. Rushing home to get the tree in water and then decorating with colorful lights, Momma's hand-painted ceramic ornaments, silver garland and LOTS of tinsel.

Cruising through neighborhoods...

...'oohing and aaahing' at houses elaborately lit up for the holidays.

Driving to Grandma and Grandpa's house on Christmas Eve for dinner, games and opening up presents with cousins, Aunts and Uncles.

Listening to Nat King Cole sing The Christmas Song on the console stereo record player. Riding home anxiously at the end of the evening to go to sleep as quickly as possible before Santa arrived!

These are the memories I carry with me.

Since Momma and Dad died, I can't bring myself to travel back to Indiana for the holidays. It no doubt bothers Momma's family who all still live there. So much has changed since Momma died. She was the glue that held the family together, much like Grandma was. When Grandma died, life changed drastically. Family get-togethers were almost non-existent. It was a chore to convince everyone of the importance of being together.

Christmas the year Grandma died, we all went our separate directions. Momma & Dad decided we were going to Disney World. It was the most horrible time of the year. No joke. Its supposed to be the happiest place on earth. For me, it was literal hell. I was angry and sad and resentful that Momma and Dad decided to take us away from family, home and tradition.

The first Christmas Momma was gone, in 2015, I traveled back to Indiana. I felt compelled to be in our house (it hadn't been sold yet.)

I needed to feel near Momma. Dad had bought an RV and decided to drive to Georgia to be with my brother and his family, so I had the house to myself. It was good to be there and spend time with Momma's side of the family.

My Momma's brother and sister-in-law, Rob & Lylah.

My Aunts and Uncles had become second parents over the years, and most especially during the last several years as Momma's health declined. They were all such a source of strength and comfort to me. Still are. I love them so very much.

Myself and Uncle Pete (Momma's brother) spending some time together a week after Momma died.

But walking up the concourse to baggage claim and NOT being greeted by Momma and Dad literally broke my heart. They were always standing there, sometimes even feet from the door as I came through security, to snatch me up for hugs and kisses!

I simply cannot bear making the trip now, and knowing they won't be there to greet me. I hope someday that will change. Christmastime is just too difficult.


I was blessed to inherit my parent's two cats, Jax & Callie, so I feel in a weird sort of way I have them close to me each day. 

That is some solace at Christmas.

For the longest time I have been afraid to admit how I've felt or what I'd been thinking because I was afraid to disappoint my family. Not only in this instance, but many areas of my life. But I am learning I simply have to be honest about where I am, emotionally.  I love my family, but I'm still realizing how much I've got to move forward on my own time and in my own way. Grief still comes in waves.

I thought I was alone in this thinking...but I have this sense there are many people in the world who have (or are now) experienced these same thoughts and emotions after the loss of a loved one or parent(s). Its ok. Be gentle with yourself, through the holidays, and always.

“My Life Is Mine” - The priceless gift I received today from Tracee Ellis Ross

MY LIFE IS MINE. 
Those four words hit me like a lightning bolt this morning as I read Glamour’s piece about Tracee Ellis Ross’ speech on fulfillment at Glamour’s 2017 Women of the Year Summit.

As an award winning actress with a plethora of accomplishments to her name, unmarried with no children at age 45, Ross faced countless questions as to why this is...as if a woman’s life is not truly fulfilled until she checks those two boxes.

I am a single 43 year old, childless woman so I can empathize to a certain extent. Like Ross, I too had once thought about the prospect of finding The One and wearing a white princess ball gown wedding dress. I’d even tried some dresses on 15 years ago...found the dress that made all of the mothers and daughters ‘oooh and aaah’ as I stepped out of the dressing room. It was perfection. But I put it back on the hanger, left it in the dressing room and drove home. That was the last time I ever stepped foot in a bridal shop. And I am at peace. 

I was a late bloomer. I never dated through high school or college. I had my first kiss at age 33 (it was GLORIOUS!) I have been very prudent (not a PRUDE!) with my sexuality as well as with whom I spend time. You HAVE to be these days, in my opinion. I don’t need to be wasting my time with someone who is a negative Nancy with no self-awareness, no confidence and not living a purpose-driven life. It’s important to be mindful of the company you keep. Thankfully, I’ve never received a barrage of questions from friends or family as to why I have yet to settle down. They’ve been remarkably respectful. Furthermore, in 2008 due to medical issues, I had surgery making it impossible for me to have children. I am at peace about this situation as well.

After my parents died 24 months ago, my perspective changed. I learned how quickly life can end but how to embrace each day as if it were my last. I also learned the importance of appreciating & ploving who I am, the blessings I’ve been given, and the people who are in my life because they can be taken from you in an instant. I came into a new strength, awareness and realization that I am enough, just as I am. I also learned the importance of owning my story and speaking my truth. It has been revolutionary.

I am beyond grateful for where I am and what I’m doing. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced this kind of peace in my entire life. Everything’s not perfect, but it’s good. I spent my entire life trying to appease everyone around me because I was afraid of rejection and abandonment. These past 24 months have changed me; changed my perspective. Tracee reminded me, “MY LIFE IS MINE.” I am no longer living for others’ expectations. I am no longer settling for ‘less than’ what I truly desire for my life. “My life IS mine.” That is a profoundly empowering statement. My choices. Mine.

So thank you Tracee Ellis Ross, for the priceless gift of empowerment.

Life changing.

Outside The Box

Thomas Oppong calls it "limitless thinking" or "thinking without rules" (9 Ways To Harness Your Creativity ("Think Outside The Box" is Overrated). Whatever you want to call it, it challenges your long, established opinions. At least it did mine.

If you've followed my journey these past two years, you will know how my life has changed since the deaths of my parents...and then the loss of my job a few months later. As I write those words, it blows me away. The understatement of the century. I cannot wrap my brain around it some days. Some days it is so far from my mind. A blur is probably the best way I can describe it all. Literally.

Tomorrow, October 16th will have been TWO years since Momma died. Two years. It doesn't even make sense. And yet life has gone on around me, and I have been cloistered in my little bubble trying to figure out how to move forward. I know I HAVE to, so I do it all within the comfort and safety of my home. Safety. That's been my sole focus. If I don't go outside, then I'm safe, from pain, rejection, shame, abandonment, etc. But holy cow! How realistic is THAT?! Not at all. I had to get real with myself. Also, my bank account was a great source of reality as well. LOL

So....After several months of job searching and spending a chunk of change to have my resume and LinkedIn profile professionally rewritten, to no avail, I tried something completely different........For those of you who know me, you may be thinking, "What?! But you have an MBA! Why aren't you using your degree???" Keep reading.

I had been an Uber RIDER a handful of times over the past several months, but was apprehensive about becoming a driver. However, after a great deal of research on my part (I'm a researcher at heart!) I felt I had all of the information I needed to make the decision to become a driver. Within a few short hours on a Saturday afternoon, I was approved after submitting documentation about myself, my car and my insurance. I love driving and I love people, so WHY NOT! Plus, I choose my own hours. AND it provides me with the ability to continue writing my book. What could be better?!

This path definitely doesn't fit my original plans. My focus was entirely fixed on securing a position in local or federal government or politics, either here in Charlotte or back in Indiana. My "job history" was littered with positions I had taken simply because I needed a paycheck. After Momma and Dad died and I lost my job, I felt as if I had a new opportunity to choose exactly what I wanted to do....to no longer SETTLE for what I HAD to do, but finally do what I WANTED to do. This is just another route.

As I drive, I have found that I am able to share my story of the past two years, how God, my family & friends and my will to survive carried me through. I have had two divine connections through sharing my story which confirmed to me what a ministry this could be. I knew God had me in a rebuilding process, but He is rebuilding in his own design unknown to me. It is in no way what I envisioned in my small-boxed mind of what I thought I wanted.

Every day is a new adventure. I don't bother to try and look further than today. I have learned, through the most difficult season of my life, the power of living in the moment. Being grateful for the day that I have, showing love to my family and those with whom I come in contact. To use it in a way that blesses others...tomorrow is not guaranteed. Today is a gift.

Bless you!

Making A Connection

📷Europe Close Protection Company

You've seen those people. You may have been one, a time or two, or maybe even every time you travel. The runners. Those travelers running through the terminal trying to make their connection.

They could be off on a relaxing vacation. Or they could be on their way to an important business meeting in the hopes of landing a huge new client for their company. Nothing causes more anxiety or frustration than delays of any kind, manmade or natural, forcing us to take off in a dead sprint 0-60 in the middle of a crowded terminal to make our connection! I've been there a time or two, and not of my own making.

Once you're able to make that connection, you slump down into your seat. Maybe sweat is beading on your forehead or running down your face, you feel as if your heart is beating out of your chest and you think you'll never catch your breath. But one thing is certain, the peace that washes over you knowing you MADE IT. Everything is going to be alright. You can relax and sit back for the ride.

This morning, in that hour or so before I wake up, I had a dream like many other nights and mornings. Dreams come often to me. Some days they are mild and meaningful and I have a direct understanding of their meaning and application to my life. And other days, I literally dream Hollywood blockbuster movies; plot, activity, actors, the whole bit. Its mind-boggling!

📷InMinutes.com

I digress. Back to 'connection.' So this morning I have a dream that I am traveling, with a group of people who I knew, some from high school and some from college. I had gotten separated from them in the airport and I was trying to make our connection but I had no idea where they were. So I tried to get through the airport as fast as I could. Apparently this was a huge trip (a big deal) because when I finally connected with one of the other girls on the trip, she told me that two of the guys on the trip with us (2 boys who bullied me in school) were talking about me and making fun of me because of what I was trying to do....when I heard that, I broke down, in great big sobs. Through my sobs I said, "Why are they doing this to me? This is the first big thing I've tried since my Mom & Dad died. Where's their humanity?" I could physically feel myself sobbing while I was dreaming. It was the weirdest sensation. Then I woke up.

Here's what I think it all means.
I was separated from the others: I am meant to go on this journey of connection alone.
The first big thing I've tried: Owning my story and writing it to encourage others in their journey
The guys from grade school making fun of me: Memories/Issues of my past taunting/distracting me

I have been studying about vulnerability and connection over the last several months. So this dream is very timely. You cannot have connection without being vulnerable. And being vulnerable can be very scary, but it can also be liberating. Brené Brown encourages us to "own our story, show up and be seen." Be our true, authentic selves. If we want a wholehearted life, we must throw off the idea of "who we THINK we're supposed to be and embrace who we really are." I don't know about you, but I have been struggling with that all of my life. And I've finally said no more! I want connection and I can only have that if I am vulnerable, own my story and be who I really am. My goal: Wholeheartedness. 

We were created for connection! "Our imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we're all in this together. Imperfectly, but together." -Brené Brown 💚

In Process: Grief - The Tornado

At the end of April of this year I traveled back to Indiana to oversee the final phase of my parent's estate - the auction of the items from the house and shed. It was a bittersweet trip, thankful that the long process of bringing the physical closure on the 42 year history of a house was coming to and end, but also melancholy because this was the END of it all. Yes, the last year had been terrible and full of sadness and waves of grief, but I had a purpose through it all. I was tasked with caring for my parents, one last time. Preserving their lives, their history, their legacy; serving as the administrator over the details of their existence. It was a responsibility I did not take lightly. And it took everything within me to accomplish.

While I was 'home' I took some time to visit my bereavement counselor. She was with the hospice organization who had taken care of Momma. I had been seeing her since Momma's death. Since our first session, we clicked, and we'd spend at least two hours together when I'd visit. It was easy to talk to her. I was able to share what I was thinking and feeling without fear. I finally found a safe place to grieve and talk through my anger and every emotion that I had been experiencing.

During this particular visit I began sharing about the various issues and feelings that had been stirred up since Momma and Dad had died. As I was speaking, a visual image appeared in my mind and words began to flow from my mouth, describing exactly what I had been feeling. It was an accurate description of my current existence. It was a tornado.

I felt as if a tornado, the deaths of my parents & losing my job, had come in and torn up everything in my life. When I think of a tornado as it hits a home, it pulls up all the debris from the destroyed house and rotates it around the outside of the tornado. I felt as if the debris were the unresolved issues in my life that I had yet to deal with: vulnerability, shame, relationship with my Dad, settling for the sake of having something/someone in my life-not choosing what's best for me, fear, unrealistic expectations, among others. I felt as if I had lost my purpose. My foundation had been torn out from under me. My house was destroyed. Nothing was left.

At first it may look as if its a tragedy, the destruction of a life and all that you know. However, in my case it is not. Once I was able to step back and look at the big picture, I was able to see this was an OPPORTUNITY. It was an opportunity for a REBUILDING to take place. After attending a grief recovery group, I was able to work through some of the issues with my Dad. I still have a ways to go, but the first steps have been taken. Also, since finishing the group, I have begun tracing my family tree through Ancestry.com. I sent my DNA sample and am awaiting the results in 6-8 weeks. Branch by branch, I am REBUILDING my foundation. I simply needed eyes to see the possibilities.

One more thing......I am writing a book. Through the encouragement of a dear friend, I have begun writing my story.

To be continued....

Music On Rotation: Dave Brubeck

Released in 1959 on Columbia Records. Recorded at Columbia's 30th Street Studio in New York City.

Music on Rotation: Red Garland

Recorded in 1960 and released the same year on Prestige Records,
originally as part of the Moodsville series.