Making A Connection

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You've seen those people. You may have been one, a time or two, or maybe even every time you travel. The runners. Those travelers running through the terminal trying to make their connection.

They could be off on a relaxing vacation. Or they could be on their way to an important business meeting in the hopes of landing a huge new client for their company. Nothing causes more anxiety or frustration than delays of any kind, manmade or natural, forcing us to take off in a dead sprint 0-60 in the middle of a crowded terminal to make our connection! I've been there a time or two, and not of my own making.

Once you're able to make that connection, you slump down into your seat. Maybe sweat is beading on your forehead or running down your face, you feel as if your heart is beating out of your chest and you think you'll never catch your breath. But one thing is certain, the peace that washes over you knowing you MADE IT. Everything is going to be alright. You can relax and sit back for the ride.

This morning, in that hour or so before I wake up, I had a dream like many other nights and mornings. Dreams come often to me. Some days they are mild and meaningful and I have a direct understanding of their meaning and application to my life. And other days, I literally dream Hollywood blockbuster movies; plot, activity, actors, the whole bit. Its mind-boggling!

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I digress. Back to 'connection.' So this morning I have a dream that I am traveling, with a group of people who I knew, some from high school and some from college. I had gotten separated from them in the airport and I was trying to make our connection but I had no idea where they were. So I tried to get through the airport as fast as I could. Apparently this was a huge trip (a big deal) because when I finally connected with one of the other girls on the trip, she told me that two of the guys on the trip with us (2 boys who bullied me in school) were talking about me and making fun of me because of what I was trying to do....when I heard that, I broke down, in great big sobs. Through my sobs I said, "Why are they doing this to me? This is the first big thing I've tried since my Mom & Dad died. Where's their humanity?" I could physically feel myself sobbing while I was dreaming. It was the weirdest sensation. Then I woke up.

Here's what I think it all means.
I was separated from the others: I am meant to go on this journey of connection alone.
The first big thing I've tried: Owning my story and writing it to encourage others in their journey
The guys from grade school making fun of me: Memories/Issues of my past taunting/distracting me

I have been studying about vulnerability and connection over the last several months. So this dream is very timely. You cannot have connection without being vulnerable. And being vulnerable can be very scary, but it can also be liberating. Brené Brown encourages us to "own our story, show up and be seen." Be our true, authentic selves. If we want a wholehearted life, we must throw off the idea of "who we THINK we're supposed to be and embrace who we really are." I don't know about you, but I have been struggling with that all of my life. And I've finally said no more! I want connection and I can only have that if I am vulnerable, own my story and be who I really am. My goal: Wholeheartedness. 

We were created for connection! "Our imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we're all in this together. Imperfectly, but together." -Brené Brown 💚

In Process: Grief - Am I Allowed?

So I'm driving to the pet store yesterday to restock the pantry for my fur babies....I inherited my parent's two cats after Momma died. Dad wasn't extremely close to them, and I just couldn't imagine leaving them when I traveled back to Charlotte at the end of October in 2015. So I bought a huge pet carrier and plunked them both inside and we made the 12 hour drive back to Charlotte. Needless to say, it was not a joy ride for them, nevertheless we made it to North Carolina and have been living happily ever after. 

So, back to my story. As I was driving to the pet store, I began thinking about this 'grieving process' in which I've been traveling through these past 20 months. And a question popped into my head: Aren't I ALLOWED to grieve? I lost BOTH of my parents (within 2 ½ months of each other), my job (5 months after my Dad died,) and having to sell my childhood home (after 41 years.) I actually felt ANGRY, for three reasons: 

1. No one has outright said I should not be grieving, or that I should be over it by now and 'back to my old self.' A few people have offered their opinion, but mostly it is a pressure coming from within me, believing people are sitting in silent judgment of my grief.
2. That I am (ME) putting pressure on myself, thinking others are in silent judgment of my grief, and that I should rush the process.
3. Why on earth am I questioning whether or not I DESERVE to grieve these losses? Or that I'm making more of it than what it is? 

BOTH MY PARENTS DIED IN LESS THAN 3 MONTHS!!! 

My brother and I have handled the deaths of our parents in VERY different ways. He is MUCH less emotional than I am, therefore he has seemingly been able to jump back into life rather quickly. He also has four children, so his life is extremely active.

Whereas I was/am unemployed, handled all of the house clean-out and arrangements with the auctioneer and trash removal, so my emotions were (and still are) wrapped up into every aspect of my parent's lives and deaths. Plus, I have always been sensitive.  

This is myself and childhood/family friend, Todd. Anytime he'd put his arm around me for a picture, I would start crying. Our parents would laugh their heads off. Not me. It was a running joke between our families for YEARS!

The sensitivity worsened when the bullying started in elementary school. It was accentuated when I was 9 years old and had to have my tonsils removed, having to stay overnight in the hospital the night before. I cried all night long. I felt abandoned. I was so afraid. It continued when I was 11 and severe thunderstorms came roaring through our small Indiana town. The tornado sirens blaring, my Dad did nothing to calm my fears. He nonchalantly walked around the house while I was grabbing my pillow and my Bible and teddy bear for comfort if we had to make a run for the crawl space. I was a literal wreck, and that incident (FEAR) stayed with me through my adult years. As did the effects of the bullying. And the abandonment. I would say that I am experiencing the sense of abandonment with the deaths of my parents. So often I wonder what happened to this happy girl.....I know she's still in there somewhere, but right now I cannot find her. 

I was never a 'SuperSoul Sunday' fan but I happened to be channel surfing one Sunday afternoon when Glennon Doyle was on with Oprah. She was talking about pain, and masking her truth because she believed no one in the world REALLY wanted to hear it. It clicked with me, so I stayed with her....

WOW.  Ding-Ding-Ding! It was as if she was speaking only to me. Yes, the world around me is messy, but so is MY world. What am I going to do about it? I am going to keep working at whatever is going on in my heart and mind. I am going to talk to someone and deal with these deep-seeded issues. WHY did I ask myself "Aren't I ALLOWED to grieve the losses in my life?" What has made me feel unworthy of that grace and mercy? Because THAT'S what it is. I've got some things to learn....

While I'm learning, I am focused on remaining in a place of vulnerability....however challenging that might be. It is going to take time. I cannot rush the process, nor can I allow fear or insecurity lead me to believe that others are pressuring me to move the process along. Its not about them. Its about wholeness. Its about healing. Its about finding life again. MY life. And my GOAL is wholehearted living. 

"Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. Its going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn't change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging." - Dr. Brené Brown, Daring Greatly (2012)

2017 HAS to be different....BEYOND 2017, a changed life. A heart that is in the process of being healed. And a mind and spirit focused on fulfilling my purpose. (That's a whole other blog post!)

Bless you 💜
Onward.