After nearly 20 months since Momma died, I am grappling with the idea that I am STILL grieving, and I have no idea how long this process will take. I am assured by those around me that its ok not to know; to take one day, one step, one breath at a time. Inhale. Exhale.
Speaking with a colleague last week, I shared that I had no idea what I was in and what I was feeling; as if the numbness, to a certain extent, has carried itself through all of these months. I never imagined that was even possible. I truly had no idea what to expect about many things, although, I had some preconceived ideas about one thing in particular that turned out not what I imagined and I am just now realizing the effects it had on me.
When Momma was given the final prognosis that there was nothing more for the doctors to do, and hospice was her choice, to spend her final days in the comfort of her own home, I expected there to be round-the-clock care by trained nursing staff. This was my understanding of hospice care. Boy was I wrong!
Hospice nurses (via our local hospice service) visit 2-3 times a week for a few hours at a time. The medical nurse visits two times a week and the bathing nurse visits once a week (as needed/requested by the family.) Then a chaplain will visit every couple of weeks, or as requested by the family. Families have the option to request volunteers to come relieve them to sit with the patient for a few hours at a time to give the family a break, but that's it. All of the other times, the family members are in charge of the care of the patient. Neither Dad nor I had any medical background, so it was like walking in the dark. In the beginning, Momma was physically unable to stand up on her own, use the bathroom, shower, take meds, etc. so most, if not all of her daily tasks were completed by Dad and I (and and my brother when he was in town, and my Aunt when she could come over after work)....lifting Momma was another story. She was literally dead weight. I wanted to cry, and I know she did too. She actually did a few times. I felt so bad for her.
By the middle of the first week home, she began to improve greatly and was up on her own and walking around the house, and even able to cook some things. She felt so good to be independent again! She was so happy! But by the weekend, she was declining and she never recovered. There were things I had to do, like give her morphine and other comfort meds as she continued to decline. Two nights in a row we had scares when we had to call the emergency on-call nurse in the middle of the night to come out. Her heart rate and breathing were inconsistent, and Dad and I just couldn't handle things on our own.
At night I couldn't sleep because I would be listening for any sounds she'd make.
When she died late Friday night, October 16, 2015, and we turned off her oxygen concentrator in the house, the silence was deafening. The hospice nurse came immediately and helped put together all of the details of her death, her medications, funeral home choice, etc. They were very helpful in that way. They were very much a resource during those 2 weeks while she was home before she died, but Dad and I, my brother and my Aunt did much of the care. Most definitely not what I had imagined, although I am very much grateful for their presence throughout that time. I cannot imagine trying to do all of that on our own. It was not what I was ready for, at all. On top of trying to process the impending death of my Momma, I had to engage my mind and body in her daily care while watching her die....and it was overwhelming. Traumatic even.
I didn't sleep much those following two weeks in my parent's house before I traveled back to Charlotte. And even when I returned to Charlotte, I still didn't sleep well, even though I was exhausted. My full being was still very much in shock. And even now, 20 months later, I am realizing the TRAUMA of it all. As if peeling away layers of an onion.
Its important to me for people to understand & be prepared for what is involved when families choose hospice care for their loved ones, and have proper support throughout the entire process. And then be gentle with themselves through healing and grieving.
Bless You 💜
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