In Process: Grief - Overwhelmed

When I was a kid, I had an experience riding home from my Aunt & Uncle's house. It was an odd sensation, considering I was just a kid, but I remember it like it was yesterday. And from time to time it reoccurs. One of those times was this morning.

That night, decades ago, I remember riding home after an evening with my extended family. The car windows were open. I could smell the fragrance of the fresh cut alfalfa. Tall corn stalks were rushing by the headlights on the side of the road as we headed toward home. 

I had this sensation of feeling OVERWHELMED, like I had bitten off more than I could chew...it was as if my mouth was expanding to try and accommodate what I had bitten, but there was absolutely no way possible to make it fit. I looked out my window and I became even more overwhelmed. It was the oddest situation I had ever faced in my young life. And I had no idea what brought it on.

This morning, as I was sitting on my balcony drinking coffee, that same feeling came over me. 

There was a jet flying over, and I looked up when all of a sudden out of the blue, this overwhelming wave swallowed me whole. No matter where I looked or what I thought about, I was trapped. My mouth filled with this perception of biting off more than I could chew and my world seemed humongous and smothering all at the same time. 

I had no control over it. Its not even that I CHOSE to "bite off more than I could chew." It was forced on me. I didn't ASK for the events of the last 20 months. I didn't ASK for Momma to die. I didn't ASK for Dad to stop taking his medicines and give up on life. I didn't ASK to get let go from my job. I didn't ASK to keep receiving rejection letter after rejection letter from positions which I had have applied to, for which I was qualified (and even OVER qualified). 

I am not looking for a pity party. I simply want to be honest about where I am in this process of grief. I have been listening to Dr. Brené Brown recently, speaking about vulnerability. And for so long I've believed vulnerability to be a weakness. But Dr. Brown changed my mind. She helped me to see it as my greatest strength. And here's why....

Giving voice to what is going on inside my head and my heart....I believe THAT'S half the battle. And to all of you who are (or have) experiencing grief or loss of any kind, it is OKAY to feel everything you're feeling and thinking. It is OKAY to share about it all. Find someone or a group of friends who will listen and embrace you. Find a therapy group. Find a counselor. Find an outlet, like blogging. Or art. Or fitness. Or construction. Or whatever outlet fits you. Just don't hold it in. Be vulnerable. Be you. Be free to speak your truth, completely. We love you. I love you. 💜