In Process: Grief - Am I Allowed?

So I'm driving to the pet store yesterday to restock the pantry for my fur babies....I inherited my parent's two cats after Momma died. Dad wasn't extremely close to them, and I just couldn't imagine leaving them when I traveled back to Charlotte at the end of October in 2015. So I bought a huge pet carrier and plunked them both inside and we made the 12 hour drive back to Charlotte. Needless to say, it was not a joy ride for them, nevertheless we made it to North Carolina and have been living happily ever after. 

So, back to my story. As I was driving to the pet store, I began thinking about this 'grieving process' in which I've been traveling through these past 20 months. And a question popped into my head: Aren't I ALLOWED to grieve? I lost BOTH of my parents (within 2 ½ months of each other), my job (5 months after my Dad died,) and having to sell my childhood home (after 41 years.) I actually felt ANGRY, for three reasons: 

1. No one has outright said I should not be grieving, or that I should be over it by now and 'back to my old self.' A few people have offered their opinion, but mostly it is a pressure coming from within me, believing people are sitting in silent judgment of my grief.
2. That I am (ME) putting pressure on myself, thinking others are in silent judgment of my grief, and that I should rush the process.
3. Why on earth am I questioning whether or not I DESERVE to grieve these losses? Or that I'm making more of it than what it is? 

BOTH MY PARENTS DIED IN LESS THAN 3 MONTHS!!! 

My brother and I have handled the deaths of our parents in VERY different ways. He is MUCH less emotional than I am, therefore he has seemingly been able to jump back into life rather quickly. He also has four children, so his life is extremely active.

Whereas I was/am unemployed, handled all of the house clean-out and arrangements with the auctioneer and trash removal, so my emotions were (and still are) wrapped up into every aspect of my parent's lives and deaths. Plus, I have always been sensitive.  

This is myself and childhood/family friend, Todd. Anytime he'd put his arm around me for a picture, I would start crying. Our parents would laugh their heads off. Not me. It was a running joke between our families for YEARS!

The sensitivity worsened when the bullying started in elementary school. It was accentuated when I was 9 years old and had to have my tonsils removed, having to stay overnight in the hospital the night before. I cried all night long. I felt abandoned. I was so afraid. It continued when I was 11 and severe thunderstorms came roaring through our small Indiana town. The tornado sirens blaring, my Dad did nothing to calm my fears. He nonchalantly walked around the house while I was grabbing my pillow and my Bible and teddy bear for comfort if we had to make a run for the crawl space. I was a literal wreck, and that incident (FEAR) stayed with me through my adult years. As did the effects of the bullying. And the abandonment. I would say that I am experiencing the sense of abandonment with the deaths of my parents. So often I wonder what happened to this happy girl.....I know she's still in there somewhere, but right now I cannot find her. 

I was never a 'SuperSoul Sunday' fan but I happened to be channel surfing one Sunday afternoon when Glennon Doyle was on with Oprah. She was talking about pain, and masking her truth because she believed no one in the world REALLY wanted to hear it. It clicked with me, so I stayed with her....

WOW.  Ding-Ding-Ding! It was as if she was speaking only to me. Yes, the world around me is messy, but so is MY world. What am I going to do about it? I am going to keep working at whatever is going on in my heart and mind. I am going to talk to someone and deal with these deep-seeded issues. WHY did I ask myself "Aren't I ALLOWED to grieve the losses in my life?" What has made me feel unworthy of that grace and mercy? Because THAT'S what it is. I've got some things to learn....

While I'm learning, I am focused on remaining in a place of vulnerability....however challenging that might be. It is going to take time. I cannot rush the process, nor can I allow fear or insecurity lead me to believe that others are pressuring me to move the process along. Its not about them. Its about wholeness. Its about healing. Its about finding life again. MY life. And my GOAL is wholehearted living. 

"Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. Its going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn't change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging." - Dr. Brené Brown, Daring Greatly (2012)

2017 HAS to be different....BEYOND 2017, a changed life. A heart that is in the process of being healed. And a mind and spirit focused on fulfilling my purpose. (That's a whole other blog post!)

Bless you 💜
Onward.

In Process: Grief - Share or Stay Silent?

I don't know about you, but I have debates in my head, (lately it seems on a daily basis) regarding what I should share, or IF I should share what is going on in my heart and mind. I don't want to come across sounding pitiful, or crazy, or pathetic, or attention-seeking, or hopeless....although, there are some days when I cannot see past the next hour or next day; numb to the world around me, I stare at a wall across the room or zone out watching cars pass by on the street below my balcony.

I'm not always in these places of....I don't even know what to call what it is that I experience....is it a wave of grief? I guess so. I think that's what it is. I hadn't experienced a wave in several months until two weeks ago, (I'm still in the midst) but when one washes over me, I am literally taken down and taken out. I am knocked off my feet and overwhelmed by the wave, so much so that I am rendered incapacitated. Its in those moments that I send out a "mayday," via social media or text to my friends and loved ones. And I remember Dr. Brené Brown's words....

 This is not easy for me. I have always been the type of person to keep things bottled up. I try to figure things out or fix them on my own. Rarely ask for help. My Dad used to tell me, "If you want something done right, do it yourself." I can very much relate to Brené in Daring Greatly when she talks about the various stages of her life that brought her to her 'spiritual awakening.' She shares in Daring Greatly (2012), "All of my stages were different suits of armor that kept me from becoming too engaged and too vulnerable. Each strategy was built on the same premise: Keep everyone at a safe distance and always have an exit strategy." THIS WAS ALL ME.

BUT......BUT.....

So, no matter how painful it might be, I must show up and be seen, bedhead, ugly cries and all.....and so can you.

Bless you 💜