At the end of April of this year I traveled back to Indiana to oversee the final phase of my parent's estate - the auction of the items from the house and shed. It was a bittersweet trip, thankful that the long process of bringing the physical closure on the 42 year history of a house was coming to and end, but also melancholy because this was the END of it all. Yes, the last year had been terrible and full of sadness and waves of grief, but I had a purpose through it all. I was tasked with caring for my parents, one last time. Preserving their lives, their history, their legacy; serving as the administrator over the details of their existence. It was a responsibility I did not take lightly. And it took everything within me to accomplish.
While I was 'home' I took some time to visit my bereavement counselor. She was with the hospice organization who had taken care of Momma. I had been seeing her since Momma's death. Since our first session, we clicked, and we'd spend at least two hours together when I'd visit. It was easy to talk to her. I was able to share what I was thinking and feeling without fear. I finally found a safe place to grieve and talk through my anger and every emotion that I had been experiencing.
During this particular visit I began sharing about the various issues and feelings that had been stirred up since Momma and Dad had died. As I was speaking, a visual image appeared in my mind and words began to flow from my mouth, describing exactly what I had been feeling. It was an accurate description of my current existence. It was a tornado.
I felt as if a tornado, the deaths of my parents & losing my job, had come in and torn up everything in my life. When I think of a tornado as it hits a home, it pulls up all the debris from the destroyed house and rotates it around the outside of the tornado. I felt as if the debris were the unresolved issues in my life that I had yet to deal with: vulnerability, shame, relationship with my Dad, settling for the sake of having something/someone in my life-not choosing what's best for me, fear, unrealistic expectations, among others. I felt as if I had lost my purpose. My foundation had been torn out from under me. My house was destroyed. Nothing was left.
At first it may look as if its a tragedy, the destruction of a life and all that you know. However, in my case it is not. Once I was able to step back and look at the big picture, I was able to see this was an OPPORTUNITY. It was an opportunity for a REBUILDING to take place. After attending a grief recovery group, I was able to work through some of the issues with my Dad. I still have a ways to go, but the first steps have been taken. Also, since finishing the group, I have begun tracing my family tree through Ancestry.com. I sent my DNA sample and am awaiting the results in 6-8 weeks. Branch by branch, I am REBUILDING my foundation. I simply needed eyes to see the possibilities.
One more thing......I am writing a book. Through the encouragement of a dear friend, I have begun writing my story.
To be continued....
